|
|
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
|
|
|
Let's rewrite the world and make it the way we want it.
Rewind and edit, scene for scene.
Let's take another path, dare to define our limits.
Set up the blocks, knock them down and rebuild again.
Let's be different, demand respect for our own indifference.
You and me, let's change the world until it's not important.
Let's change the music, from dramatic instrumental to rock n' roll,
Bang the drums, hit every note in that solo.
Let's wash away the cloudy skies and billowing smog,
Make it like it was before we broke it.
Let's live our lives the way we want to, make the mistakes our triumphs,
You and me, let's redesign it, switch it around until it defines us.
Rewrite it. Define it.
Let's make this place our own.
Let's You and Me Rewrite the Story of This World..
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
|
|
Monday, September 26th, 2005
|
|
|
Wednesday in my Creative Writing class we are finally workshopping my short story >.> I dun wanna go to that class, but I have to because they won't workshop the story without the author present <.< I think the story I wrote isn't one of my best.. and I really dislike it upon rereading it.. Blah.. Next story will be better, we've been developing characters for it for a while now.. It's due this Friday, and I think I'll like the results much better.
We got a new puppy.. whom we have yet to name O_o; She's a cute little girl, and very playful. We've had her about a week now and we still just call her 'puppy' ^^;
Sunday night was awesome. Levi and I walked downtown like we do sometimes when it's nice out, but it was really neat because it was the Hawkeye Valley Bell Project in downtown so from 6 o'clock to 7 o'clock all the church bells downtown were rung in rhythm! ^____^ It was sooo cool. I love the sound of church bells.. they are just so neat. We've got a lot of really old churches downtown (the architecture on some of them is just breathtaking o.o) and the song of all the church bells was just amazing.. The way they echoed off all the buildings and stuff ^_^ It was just a really neat experience over all. Iowa Public Television even filmed it this year and is doing a special on it ^^ Should be cool.. If you want to read more about this years bell ringing go here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9492604/
Blah, I have so much crap due on Wednesday.. >.> I don't wanna do it! I want to sleep! I almost fell asleep in my car again between classes today. I don't know what my problem is, but I just can't seem to wake up and feel rested anymore.
I tagged Travis' car last week >D It was fun.. wrote all over the windows. He thought it was funny.. but now I've got to wait for the retalliation >.>; He's going to be mean and put evil things on mine, I just know it! o.o;
I'm thinking about having another Halloween party this year, but I'm not sure who all to invite. I've got some ideas, but I dunno. It's just so much work to clean that stupid loft. Damn the pigeons -.-* Then I have to haul up my futon and my tv.. and get all the area rugs cleaned up.. clean the microwave.. wash all the tables and chairs.. decorate.. it's a lot of work, even if Levi helps >.>
Saw the Corpse Bride with Levi on Friday. It was a pretty good movie, though I think you almost have to be a Tim Burton fan to truelly appreciate it. Not as good as The Nightmare Before Christmas, but still good.
Levi and I had a talk about some stuff. I think maybe this time he actually grasped what needs to be done! I hope so, because our relationship is getting very blah and approaching dull. Saturday night we had this talk, and then Sunday wasn't so bad. I think maybe things might get a little better now. I hope so, for the relationships sake O_o; Our one year anniversary is next month.. I think I know what I'm getting him ^_^
Don't have much else to talk about I don't think.. so I'll finish it up here. Tata.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
|
|
|
Ok, so Remy wants me to update more often so he can keep up to date on my life. So, I suppose I'll try to be more regular with entries. xP
Once again I'm tired.. but it's my fault, as usual. I need to start my homework before 10 at night. Oops.. to late for that again.. 3 pages of CW homework here I come!
Anyway, it's been a good day in the terms of getting to talk to friends. I talked to Ashley, Seffie, Remy, and Travis all today. Travis is always fun to talk to, just because he's flirty. Sadly, his brother may have luekemia.. they won't know until tomorrow >.> I really hope not, his family already has enough to deal with medical problems wise and this brother has a kid on the way..
Ashley it was nice to talk to because I haven't gotten to talk to her in so long.. unfortunately she gave me some bad news. :/ Can't really say it here because I don't know who reads this. But, ya, lets just say she should have listened to the advice she was given.
Seffie might have Diabities O_o;; I talked to her for a bit on the phone and some online. So, you'd think that'd be a bad thing, right? But, really, if she does have it it'll mean that that's the reason she's depresed and why the meds don't work to their full potential. So, we are both kind of hoping she is, so maybe she can get undepressed ^^;
And Remy.. my God xD It's just so funny how much of a turn his life has taken.. Ok, so he has a girlfriend.. but.. now.. with permission from his girlfriend.. he also has a boyfriend! ^^; w00t for the foxboy and his experimental adventures in love! xD
So, ya, much information to process today. It's weird that all this stuff happened at once. I don't think anything overly interesting or horrible happened to me today.. but everyone else sure seems to be having interesting days O_o;;
Well, off to do homework. Ta-ta!
**Oh, if anyone has the Tainted Donuts AMV on their comps I'd really like it.. as.. I can't find the disk I put my copy on -.-* So, ya, if you have it speak up and I'll get online and steal it from you sometime! Or.. if anyone knows a site where I can download it that would be nice too!
|
|
Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, September 19th, 2005
|
|
|
*Zim(while eating waffles): "Hey these aren't bad. What's in 'em?"
*Gir: "There's waffle in 'em!"
*Zim: "You're Lying!!!"
...OK.. so I'm on an Invader Zim kick. Blame Chris and Travis.. mostly Travis (who loves this show so much he has one shoulder tattoed in nothing but Invader Zim characters) xD They insisted I watch it, and now I've rented all three DVDs they have at Blockbuster. If you haven't seen this show you should give it a shot.. it's pretty damn good. GIR is adorable <3 <3 <3
God I'm tired. *blinks* But that doesn't really matter. xP
Friday night I worked at Pacifica, they were, as always, short handed. It was alright. Spent around 2 hours of the 6 I was there talking to Chris. I listened to him talk about Darwinism, Creationism, and Evolution.. God, he's a smart guy. I dare anyone I know to try and argue with him about the validity of Creationism and try to debate the theory of Evolution against it.. He'll kick your ass, I guarantee. As a Gemini, he's a credit to our sign. He knows to much for his own good.. I can only hope I know half the stuff he knows when I'm 34.
School is going alright. I was completely zoned out for most of my Creative Writing class today. I did speak up during the workshop, much to my own suprise. I didn't even think about talking, I just -did-.. I don't remember ever doing that before. I really wasn't there mentally at all today.
Levi and I made up last Wed. night. He talked to a recruiter for the National Guard that same day and it freaked me out. I got really upset. I don't like the military.. or, rather, I don't like the idea of loved ones going into the military. I broke down over the idea, mainly because we were already having a stressful week relationship wise. It wasn't good at all. But, we talked it over and he agreed that he didn't have to join now and that we'd talk about it again when he was out of highschool.. He really wants to go, it's been a lifelong dream of his to go into the service, in particular the Marines. The only reason he's lowering his goal to the National Guard is because he thinks he can convince me to let him join them a lot easier than the Marines.. I don't like the idea of either, but, ya, the National Guard would be a lot easier to let him join.. I don't know.. I told him that if he joins, chances are I won't stick around for him.. It's just not something I can handle.. Not at all.
Aside from that we are doing great again. Our one year anniversary is coming up on October 14. So, one bad week out of a year isn't to bad, right?
Ashley has dropped off my list of best friends.. We don't talk at all anymore. She invited me and Levi on a double date the other night, but he was out of town so I had to say no. Haven't heard from her since. I don't know what the deal is with her, if it's just the lack of time or what, but we just don't talk at all anymore. Sadly, this means my closest friend IRL is Travis ^^; Which isn't exactly a good thing since he very obviously likes me and this is a known fact to Levi. Good guy though, likes Anime :D Fun to flirt with too and easy on the eyes xP But, everyone knows what a big flirt I am (at least, all you guy friends of mine know ^_~) so, my it's pretty harmless fun in my case. Just hope it doesn't worry Levi to much :/ He says it doesn't, but boys like to lie about things like that xP
Talked to Remy on the phone the other night. That poor guy is always confused about something ^^; I love it though, he sounds so cute when he's confused xD I think it's awesome that he still wants my advice on certian things, even though we were out of contact the better part of a year. Love the guy, he's just such a sweetheart. Always has been.
Also talked to Seffie not that long ago. Her and her boyfriend Christian have picked out an engagement ring! ^_____^ w00t for Seff! I told her she should have a Gypsy Wedding! Wouldn't that be so cool? xD Unfortunately his parents are pretty traditional so that probably won't fly :/ Guess who get's to be the Maid of Honor? ^^;; Eee.. That's going to be fun! I get to help plan everything! xD;
Isn't it weird though? I mean, here I talk to Seffie and Remy more on the phone than online anymore and that's where I met them! And Seffie and I went from perfect strangers introduced by a mutual online friend to best friends and I'm going to get to be Maid of Honor in her wedding and probably vice versa ^^; It's just bizzare how I've connected so well with people online.. I wonder how many people out there can say they've had a similiar experience?
Got to get D-man's present sent this year! xD; Yes.. I still have his b-day present from -last- year sitting here in my room. At least I -have- it though.. I decided I'm just going to wait and send it for -this- birthday.. ^^; Sorry about that D-man. I'm a procrastinator, just like you xP
Remy's B-day is also the same day as D-man's. Remy just wants to talk to me on the phone for his B-day, but I'm hoping to get his new address and mail him a card or something at least.
I can't remember when Seffie's b-day is ^^; But I have a sword at L&F waiting to be paid off that is for her B-day/Christmas! I'm going to have to call her and find out what day her B-day is.. it's here pretty soon.. October or November I -think- o.o;; So many things going on in the next two months! D-man and Remy's b-days in October, along with Levi and I's one year anniversary plus Halloween, and then Levi's, my older brother's, and(I think) Seffie's birthday's in November.. and Reb's too now that I think about it! (Damn Scorpio's! xD)..hmm.. Maybe I have Seffie's b-day confused with Reb's? Jeeze.. Seffie is going to kill me when I ask ^^;;
I went and got the Sims 2: Nightlife the day after it was released! :D Woo! Now you can turn your Sims into Vampires! Yay! ^__^ And.. D-man's Sim and my Sim have fallen in love O_o;; Very interesting. I just added his Sim last week.. now I'm working on adding Remy, Travis, Reb, and Seffie to the mix.. I hate creating Sims though, it's such a headache trying to get them to look right >.>;
Ok, I think this entry is long enough. I need to get some sleep. So, basicly, things are going great again. Ya.. that's all ^^ Goodnight everyone! Love ya all!
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, September 12th, 2005
|
|
|
**Just thinking aloud more or less.. if these thoughts contradict or make no sense it's because I wrote them as they came to me.. I'm not in the best state of mind at the moment.**
I got off the phone with Levi a little while ago. I figured I’d cry, and I did. He didn’t have much to say, and I didn’t figure he would. I don’t feel well now.
It’s ironic that I just wrote about escaping to the internet as a refuge in the short story that I had to hand in for Creative Writing, because I find myself doing just that right now. As soon as I got off the phone I felt like getting online. To write. To chat. To express. Really, what I want to do is role play. Escape into another’s life for the rest of the night and long into the morning hours.
I hate my own need to live someone else’s life. I hate wanting to be off in some other land. I hate it because I spent so much of my real life doing it. I spent so much time in a place that was perfect if only to me. I hate it because I still want to do it. I still don’t want to be here.. I don’t want to be me.. I don’t want to live in this world.
I hate it because I see in it how utterly stupid I am. How I can’t take my own reality and just deal with it. How weak I am. I thought I had over came this. I thought I didn’t need this escape anymore. I thought I’d never have to depend on words to save me from despair. And yet, I am here. I am longing to be Rein or Witty.. or some other fictional being that I’ve escaped to so many times that it’s impossible to count.
When I feel like this I want to cease to exist. In a sense I just want to die. To not feel. There’s a horrible bubbling deep down in my stomach and I just want it to go away. That is all. Nothing more, nothing less.
It isn’t that simple anymore though, is it? Years ago I could get online and there’d be a number of people waiting to role play. Everyone of the people I knew online used it as there escape. We all had our problems, our issues, and we all found peace in 8 hour sessions of nothing but an illusion. A lie.
Make believe is so childish.. I can just hear people saying that to me. I can just hear people laughing at me for thinking this is the way to go about it. This is the way to deal with your problems. This is my life and this is how I escape it for hours on end.
I don’t think it’s childish, but I don’t think it’s healthy anymore.. I don’t think I should still need it like I used to.. I’m not as bad off as I was back then.. I’m not so in despair that I can’t leave this chair.. I’m not so depressed that I don’t want to look out the window and acknowledge that there is a world out there going along quite happily without me.
I hate this all because I want to be able to want to exist in these times. I want to be able to say “I want to exist, I want to live this life.” But I can’t. I can’t! And it’s driving me insane at this moment. The fact that all I want to do is disappear because I’ve been hurt. I haven’t felt this way since I finally got away from Dave.. and here I am again. Here I am not wanting to be because of someone else. I hurt to easily. Maybe it’s because of old wounds? Or maybe I just need to toughen up.
I want to be stronger than this. I want.. I want to want to be.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Ok, apparently Levi lied to me. And I'm more than a little pissed about it, because it was over something -very- stupid.
I said in my previous entry that he had been coughing and weezing because of the second hand smoke on the car ride up and back to the concert.. I thought it was kind of weird that he was in such a bad state when I'm sure they had the windows cracked to let the smoke ventalate out of the car. But, I didn't question him. I was like "Well it was kind of rude of them to keep smoking if it was bother you that much." and babied him all fricken week -.-;
So, come to find out, Levi had smoked at the concert himself. To those of you who don't realize how dumb of a thing this was, Levi used to smoke and from what he told me gave it up when he started waking up at night unable to breath. Levi has very bad allergies to smoke and dust and things like that. He can't breath when around them to much.. He KNOWS this.. and yet he smoked a fucking cigerate (I'm assuming it was a cigerate, I don't know what to believe at this point because he was an ASS and didn't tell me anything -.-) and then complained when he got home about how his chest hurt and how the guys had been smoking all the way up and all the way back.
Ok, first off.. he fucking should know by now that if he tells me that he smoked a cigerate I'm not going to get pissed at him.. I didn't get pissed when he had a beer at Trevor's the other day and I'm not going to get pissed about a cigerate. It's his body, let him fuck it up anyway he wants to. But I was making comments about his FRIENDS and he just let me! He didn't even once hint at the fact that he had smoked himself and that is the reason why he was so bad off! >.< My fucking God why the hell won't you just tell me the TRUTH? I feel like such an asshole for saying things about Trevor now because I thought it was his and Jake's fault at the time. Granted I just said it was rude to do, but fuck, that's still not right when it wasn't even their fault!
I just don't get him sometimes.. like, the other day when he went to Trevor's and had that beer.. he said Trevor's dad offered them something to smoke.. Levi said he had passed it up and then proceeded to tell me "If I did smoke something like that I wouldn't tell you, though."
...
OMFG >.< I mean, WHY would you TELL me something like that!?!? WHY?! *mutters for a while*
I just don't get why he didn't tell me? I said stuff I shouldn't of and I babied him for the completely wrong reason because he didn't tell me the truth! And I feel like a complete ass knowing this now.
What the hell else does he not bother to tell me? Is he doing drugs or drinking and just saying 'Fuck it, she'll never find out?' Does he lie to me about stuff other than this? God.. I'm so sick of being lied to by guys. I fucking went through this shit enough with Dave..
And now I'm upset.. fuck.. maybe I should just stop being honest and do whatever the hell I want. I fucking tell him everytime I want to hang out with a male friend and get his fucking PERMISSION to.. not because he like tells me I have to but just because in my head it's the right thing to do. And then he goes and lies to me about something stupid like this.. what about the important things? What else don't I know..? I tell him everything that goes on in my day, even the stuff I'm afraid might upset him because I'd rather he KNEW and me be able to reassure him of things then and there then have him find out later.
Just.. god damnit.. I'm so sick of lies.. I'm so sick of being lied to by the people I care most about who tell me they'll never lie to me..
This sways the trust in our relationship greatly.. Now I feel like I have to wonder what the hell he's doing when he's not with me. Because god knows he's not going to tell me the truth.. We've had this talk before.. I now realize that this isn't something he's going to change.
So, I don't know where I stand at the moment.. I mean, how can you be in a relationship with a person you can't trust? How are we going to work through this? Most of you guys now that I'll trust a person until they ruin it themselves.. most people are the otherway around, they make the person earn the trust.. I'm not that way.. and once you fuck it up it's hard for me to look at you the same way again. I got fucked over to many times with Dave.. I'm not going to get fucked over again, no matter how cute the boy is who tries to do it.
I don't know when I'm going to talk to him about it.. I txt messaged him earlier to see if he wanted to hang out, but I haven't gotten a reply.. so I guess he forgot his phone at home and went somewhere or something.. which makes me wonder more about what he's doing, who he's with, and if he'll even tell me half the story when I talk to him.
Oh, and Asia, anything else you'd like to tell me about things Levi did while he was there? Because all he told me was that he went, had some fun, saw some boobs, and didn't go to the mosh pits. Anything else that he should have told me that he didn't? I really appreciate you telling me about the smoking deal.. it's not something that he should have lied to me about.. and I'm glad I did find out because it's obviousely something we need to take a look at now.
Well.. I guess that's all from me.. I'm going to do.. something.. I don't know what yet.. maybe lie down and take a nap or play the Sims or something.. I just don't want to think about this for a little while..
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, September 8th, 2005
|
|
|
"Count on Me" - Default
I know that life ain't always good to you.
I've seen exactly what it’s put you through
Thrown you around and turned you upside down and so you
You got to thinking there was no way out
You started sinking and it pulled you down
It may be tough you've to get back up
Because you know that life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
You can count on me
Cause’ I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me
To hold you till the healing is done
And every time you fall apart
Well you can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me
To hold you till that feeling is gone
I wonder why nobody's waiting on you
I'd like to be the one to pull you through your darkest times
I'd love to be the light that finds you
I see a silver lining on your cloud
I'll pick you up whenever you fall down
Just take my hand and I will help you stand
Because you know that life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
You can count on me
Cause’ I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me to hold you till the healing is done
And every time you fall apart you can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is
Gone so you can live today
Seems so long to yesterday
Keep on counting on me to carry you till you carry on
Carry on
You know that life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
You can count on me cause I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me to hold you till that healing is done
And every time you fall apart
You can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
Remember life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
That you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
Remember life ain’t over yet
I’m here for you so don’t forget
That you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone
------
I'm listening to the radio for the first time in.. well, I'll say a year to be safe. I know it hasn't been to much less than that. First song that came on, and I liked the lyrics.
None of my classes are overly hard this semester. I tell people about my Creative Writing class and they all cringe and feel sorry for me. It's a Creative Writing class, you're supposed to have to do a lot of writing.. lol. I think I've written more in the last three weeks then I have over the last three years ^^; We had to write a short story over the Holiday weekend.. which reminds me, I still need to send that to turnitin.com >.>; *multitasks* Thanks to Reb and D-man for their opinions on it by the way ^_^ You guys really helped!
So, ya, I'm writing a good full page of material or more a night. Which, to my suprise, hasn't stressed me out at all. I was honestly worried that having to do so much writing was going to stress me out, but it's just so natural for me that it can be 11 at night when I start it and I can get it done in an hour and a half and not feel overwhelmed at all.
And workshopping! It's sooo fun! o.o; I was worried about it being stressful too.. but it's such a good group of people in my class that it isn't at all. Everyone has there opininions and isn't afraid to express them in a mature manner. It's really cool ^___^ Still haven't really talked to anyone in that class though v.v Everyone knows each other all ready, so I generally just sit back and listen to everyone talk in our little workshop circle. Nobody goes out of there way to talk to me, but they usually acknowledge my presence by making eye contact when talking to the group.. so I don't feel left out at all at least xD
Computer Concepts and Intro to Word aren't bad at all. Got a %100 on my Computer Concepts test as well as my in lab test for Intro to Word. Only got an %86 on my written test in Word though >.>; I missed some very dumb questions.. and I really don't know what I was thinking when I answered them the way I did O_o; But oh well, better luck next time.
My friend Travis went to the hospital the other day. Apparently he's got heart problems... caused by to much caffiene. It's not suprising though.. this guy LIVES on Red Bull energy drinks.. er.. well. LIVED on them anyway.. the doctor has told him he can no longer have caffiene plus a lot of foods. Like pizza. He can't eat pizza anymore.. the poor guy! He was so depressed looking when I talked to him after he got out of the hospital >.>; I mean, he's basically stuck on this new diet for the rest of his life, all because he drank to much caffiene. So, a note to all you caffiene addicts.. be moderate, or you're going to end up eating tofu the rest of your life o.o
Levi went to that Disturbed concert Saturday, and on the way back from Cedar Rapids there car died xD; Poor guy.. made me glad I didn't go though ^^; That would have sucked.. they sad on the side of the road for three hours until Levi's mom came and got them. Levi also hasn't stopped coughing since Saturday, because of the smokers in the car, he has horrible asma(sp?).. I feel so bad for him, he was coughing horrible on Sunday and Monday, so much so it hurt his chest. I hope it's out of his system now, it was making him miserable.
Well, I think that's about it for me. See ya all around :) Tata.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
|
|
|
Well, it's 11:30.. and I'm finishing up the last bit of homework I have.. unfortunately it's a one page workshop letter.. that I have yet to start.
Levi and I went three days without seeing each other, and I think it did us (or at least me) a lot of good. I went to his house tonight and we watched Constantine and played Killzone and just generally had a good time. Was definately a good night.
Was thinking about going to that Disturbed concert anyway, but the more I think about it the less I think I should go. Frankly, I've got other things I need to do this weekend.. like that short story (Which I've started! Polishing takes a lot of work though..) and it wouldn't hurt to work on at least half of my computer assignments. I do have to say.. college homework isn't half as bad as Christian School homework. Six hours a night every night was a little much >.>;
I don't know, maybe I'll just sleep Saturday and do homework. Sounds like a plan, right? Besides, I don't really think I'm the concert type of person, does anyone else? To many people and to loud. Probably wind up with a headache.
I think Levi is still going, his mom said tonight that she had forgot to buy him his ticket >.>; Doesn't that figure? So, who knows, he might end up not going.. depending on how much initiative he puts into getting a ticket tomorrow night.
God, I'm tired -.- I suppose I'll be off to bed now. Ta-ta.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
|
| Subject: | Today.. |
| Time: | 8:29 pm. |
| Mood: |  sick. | | Music: | "I'm Not OK (I Promise..)" -- My Chemicle Romance. |
|
Somedays I can wake up and feel perfectly fine. I can feel as though my life fits just right with the flow of existence.
Others I sit and wait for someone to come along and tell me that memos got mixed up somewhere along the line, and this isn't really the life I'm supposed to be leading.
I like my life, I really do. Currently, things couldn't be much better if we are being realistic. I don't have any real complaints.
For some reason though, I woke up from a nap this afternoon while Levi was here and just felt.. Shitty, to be quite blunt.
I could analyze it. I could sit here for hours and wonder why. But I already actually know why I feel shitty. And, I'm afraid, I'm always going to have those days when I feel shitty, and want some other-wordly life form to come and take me home. Every day I try to convince myself I fit in somewhere, and most of the time I do. But then I think about it, and I realize what I've been telling myself my entire life:
I just don't fit. I can make myself fit in, sure, that's not that hard. I'm no actor, but I am great at pretending. Here I am at 20 and I still have those moments when I feel like I'm 13 again, completely and utterly lost in my own existence.
Comments Disabled.
|
|
Saturday, August 13th, 2005
|
|
|
First off.. Reb! You're starting to get famous! o.o I remember two years ago when I did a search for your real name in Google and came up with nothing.. and now.. I can find you on different modeling websites! ^___^ I congratulate you on your US debut in Vouge! You have a little photo gallery on Style.com now! And I'm pretty sure I can spot you on DKNY.com too! ..though I want to confirm one of those piccies being you, because if it is, I'm going to laugh so hard xD;;; I'm going to try and find the issue of Vouge and get it ^^ ...do you have any idea which one it is? xD
Alright, enough of that.. ^^; Onto the real entry!
--
It's a little passed 4:30 in the morning. I've been writing since about 2ish I think. Sadly, the introduction and first chapter of the story I've been working on I really don't like.. So, it was probably a waste of two hours. Will scrap it and start again on it some other time. I'm a little hung up on the new idea I had.
Let's see.. what is there to say?
Well, I'm signed up for fall classes, though I'm still waiting for my financial aid application to clear so I can pay for them. Classes I'm taking this fall include:
Fundamentals of Word Processing
Fundamentals of Electronic Spreadsheets
Introduction of PC Operations
Fundamentals of PC Database
Computer Concepts
Introduction to Networking
Creative Writing
Individual Writing Projects
Ok.. that looks like a lot, but, really, it's only 10 credit hours. So, not that much. I got a letter in the mail today from the teacher of the Creative Writing/Ind. Writing Pro. classes, saying that he recommended I drop the class because I have yet to take English 101, and those two courses are supposed to be harder then it. It's ironic that I got this letter today, because I was going to make an appointment for a CLEP test for English 101 today but the lady who does those was at a conference so they told me to call Monday. So, it comes down to that I need to CLEP out of English before this semester starts so the teacher realizes I'm not an idiot when it comes to English. Everyone whom I've told about this letter has laughed, because everyone seems to think I'm this amazing writer who will just breeze through the class. I'd like to be that optomistic about it, but I'm not going to get all over zealouse about it. The last thing I want to do is get all big headed and then get a C in the class or something. I actually thought I -should- take English 101.. just to make sure I did have everything down. But everyone else I've talked to seems to think I don't need it and should CLEP out (even my enrollment advisor).. so.. ya.. we'll see where CLEPing out gets me.
They also got rid of the degree I was going for, so I had to change it. I was going for Web/Internet Specialist, and now I'm officially going for PC Specialist. Which is awesome, because after 3 semesters I get my PC Practitioner diploma, and then two semesters after that I'll get my Associate of Applied Science as a PC Specialist diploma.. so I'll have something half way through.. which motivates me quite a bit more to get things done.
Also, another tiny tid bit of information from my life. I quit my job at Pacifica West. Why? Lots of reasons.. I'll just say that due to the fact that the only other person aside from me and the boss that was working there last weeks dad died, so it left me and the boss. Some stuff got stolen, she got pissy with me even though it couldn't be proven that it was stolen on -my- shift.. and, aside from that, if you want me to work for you.. you do NOT talk to me like I'm an idiot when I ask you a question.. especially when it's a perfectly relevant question that I need to know to help your business be run properly.. I am not five years old, nor am I retarded... And I'm definately not a frickin' psycic.
Though, I do think my boss respects me a little more since I quit.. she told Katie (the girl who's dad died) that she knew she had run me off. I'm sorry, but after a week of working right after her, this was very much the case. But here in a month, after I get settled in my class routine, she's going to add me to the call list.. so I'm basically still an employee there, I've just went from 'part time' to 'call in'. Which is better, because I wanted more time to work on school stuff, and I've got $400 saved, which should get me through the next couple of months of eating out and going to the ocassional movie with some to spare.
Not much else going on, really. Levi and I have been spending the majority of our time playing video games and watching movies. Since he quit his job we've seen each other every day, for at least a few hours. We're still as happy as ever, so no real changes there.
God, this LJ has gotten so impersonal. It doesn't even feel like a journal any more to me. I either need to find a new place or just start updating more.. I don't see either happening any time soon.
Well, that's it from me I suppose.. until I manage to slink on again the next time. Off to bed for the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon. Ja.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Ok, last entry I was about.. 21.3% awake... and, yes, I did drive home! I was awake enough not to crash.. and it was daylight by that time.. so ya.
I have concluded that games like Battlefield 2 can only be properly experienced when done with multiplayer, with 10 people or over. God, it was so fun! Alright.. so I didn't know how to fully operate everything until about 3 or 4 hours in.. but, once I figured out how to chat with everyone else.. It was like role playing, but with graphics and no story line xD
Out of 13 people I was one of only two girls there. Which was awesome, because we almost emediately buddied up in game ^^ We had two teams, one was the US and the other was whoever was apposing the US in that battle (Russia, China, etc.). Teams were split 6 to 7 members, since we had an uneven ammount of players. Then they were split into squadrons. About half the night, I was a Squad Leader with 2-4 other members on my squad, which was fun.. especially when Levi and the other girl playing, I'm not sure I caught her name properly so I'll just use her in game alias, Tink (Tinkerbell), were both on my team and joined up in sqad with me. Yes.. we got killed on every mission we attempted together.. but that's ok.. the other team was LOADS more experienced that time around, so we didn't feel bad as we were all n00bs. We did about 3 team changes during the 8 hours period, drawing a piece of paper out of a bucket with either US or OF written on it. So, sometimes teams were fair.. and one time they were horribly lop sided.. but it was all just fun in general, so winning and losing didn't really matter for those of us who were just getting into the game for the first time.
I switched between Special Forcese and Anti-Tank specialties all night, depending on what the other team was using to kill us >.> My favorite vehicle was the tank ^^ I actually got pretty good at driving vehicles.. even though controlling a vehicle with the keyboard and mouse is a very weird and disorienting experience @_@
I think by the end of the night my level of skill increased dramaticly, even though I was still far.. very far.. from being the best player. If they have another BF2 night I'm definately going ^^ It's the most fun I've had gaming in years!
Also.. I've just finished download Ragnarok... would Ms. Reb please get online.. so you can explain to me what to do now since you had me download the Korean versin >.>;;;
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
|
Well, it's about 8 am and Levi and I are finishing up our 8 hours (12 AM to 8AM) at The Gamers Hideout. I didn't honestly think I'd make it, but I did. I didn't do the greatest at the game, but it was still a lot of fun. Well, got to try and make it home now... Levi is going to drive. He's more awake. Ta-ta.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Considering the length of time that has past since I've posted a real entry, you'd think I'd have something at least remotely interesting to say.
But no.
My life is just that boreing.
Considering the lack of interesting things that have happened, I have been keeping busy and have little time for online-ness.
Let's see.. the things that have happened include: 25 cent raise at work, started talking to Nicole again, Steamboat Days was slightly dull and uninteresting, Levi got a new job at K-Mart, several new swords were added to my collection as well as a new knife, finally got a bookcase but still haven't put it together, Levi's stayed the night several times, lost Seffie's phone # (>.< and of course since I have she hasn't called me recently), been bored, been exahsted, updated my FictionPress account (http://www.fictionpress.com/~insomni) take a moment to read and review please!, worried, stressed, slept, went hiking, stared at the stars, went to numerous good movies (Batman Begins (12 AM showing opening day), War of the Worlds, and some other movies I don't recall right now), etc.
I don't know if anyone I know online has ever seen litteral swarms of insects invading a popluated area, but that's what we've got every night down at the Port of Burlington. Mayflies take over at night, drawn in by the lights at the port.. they litterally cover the parking lot to the point where if you set your foot down you crush 8 of them or so. And the lights all look like they have fuzz growing on them they get so many of the little creatures on them. I'm not really a bug person, but most of them don't really bother me.. so Levi and I other night walked down amidst all these insects and walked into the center of one of the most covered areas, trying not to get covered with bugs ourselves. Mayflies don't bite or anything.. so that's why it didn't really bother us.. but they really don't mind landing on people at all -.- which can become annoying. Like at SteamBoat Days they were absolutely horrible.. you'd be walking around and at least have 4 of them on you in various places, usually without realizing it.
Well.. I need to leave for work here soon. I had to work yesterday, even though it was supposed to be one of my days off. Duran just crossed himself off the schedule the day before without calling anyone to see if he could get someone to cover for him. So, naturally, me being the only other employee aside from Katie (who was already working that day), I got to work to.. yay. oh well, 6 more hours on the check. Plus Katie switched shifts with me so I got to work in the morning, since Levi was off that night and I wanted to go out with him.
Alright, well I'm out. Ta-ta people. I'll try and update again.. someday xP
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Relieved does not begin to describe how I feel right now...
I just spent an hour on the phone with Remy!! He's alive and well!! He also commented on my last entry! w00t!!
I honestly don't even know what to say at this moment.. I'm still trying to let it sink in that I just talked to him after so many months of him being completely off the map. It was very strange to be able to talk to him.. Almost awkward, but not quite. Some parts -were- awkward yes, but that is to be expected.. otherwise it seemed like a fairly normal conversation.. like nothing had really ever happened.
God I'm so happy ^-^ Finally, everything is right in my life. Worries about Remy were always in the back of my mind, and like to surface randomly throughout the day.. And now I don't have to worry anymore! ..well, I do.. it -is- Remy. I can't -not- worry about him xD But at least I know he's alive and well.
If I could, I'd throw a party and invite everyone to welcome him back into existence! But I can't.. so I'm simply going to say..
Remy..
...
...
...
...
...
DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT EVER DOING THAT TO ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
....
....
....
....
^o^ Well.. off to nap.. I think I'm going to sleep better then I have in a long time..
|
|
Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
|
|
|
I am 85% Video Game Addict. I got a problem, man. I may not find the answer to life in a video game. I need to turn off the console or computer, go outside and try some reality for a change.
Had to share. I am uber-geek. xP
Off to see War of the Worlds. TTYL, freaks.
|
|
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, June 25th, 2005
|
| Subject: | Pics.. |
| Time: | 9:05 pm. |
| Mood: |  bouncing to the music. | | Music: | "Face to Face" - Sevendust. |
|
Scanned in and uploaded some pics that I recently got developed from one of the many disposable cameras I have laying around. Me and Levi, also featureing Rodger, the cute little kitten ^o^ 6 Pics total.
( Piccy good-ness )
No textual update this time around. We'll see about getting around to it in the upcoming days. Just know that I'm alive and well. That's all that's really necissary for anyone to know who actually cares. xP
|
|
Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Tonight I stood in the center of the road where four fields met at the corners. You'll never know solitude like night time in the middle of such a vast axpanse of space. Sometimes, it's a wonderful thing to feel so insignificant. To see yourself as you might see an ant.
The sky was dark as ink, except to the west. Oh, there the moon hung low in the sky. Just slightly less then half and tinged a beautiful shade of orange. It made the clouds that hung wrecklessly around it glow with just a hint of red. The sight filled me with a sense of awe and wonder, which complimented the insignificance so very well.
And to the west and south the skies were filled with thunderheads, who's peaks I could not discern except for when the flashes of lighting highlighted their fluffy sillouetts. How I love lightning. The worlds natural fireworks, that change with everyones coming and followed by a rumble just slightly different everytime. And sometimes they are silent. Just as though someone flipped a switch on and off. The energy given off by such a site is invigorating. Even empowering. It makes one feel as though they could do anything.
Everything.
And yet.. standing there in the middle of nowhere, the tallest thing for miles, fear is also lurking somewhere when the world goes dark again as the most recent flash fades. Tingling in the spine with a wandering thought that lingers to long on the idea that with the next spark of light there may be terrible pain and suffering on your part. But as the zig zag tears across the open void that is seemingly never ending, the adrenaline is absorbed and once again you feel invisable. Once again you could succeed in even the most unrealistic of ventures. Your wildest dreams are pheasable and you are the only person in the world to completely understand everything.
Except for why this combination of light and dark can cause such surges in your emotions.
Even in the crystal clearity that the energy of the storm brings, and the absolute feeling of oneness with your senses, the looming closer of the gloom that is the rain ever threatens to follow the booming thunder that grows louder. The wind picks up and grows colder, and it threatens to knock everying in it's path over.
And thus retreating to someplace that has a roof doesn't seem like such a bad idea.
But, will it really rain? Or if you stay just a bit longer will you get to see the storm eb away into the calmness and serenity of the starry night, without a drop touching the ground?
This is what love is to me. A stormy night. A wonderous battle of light and dark. Of feeling invincible and insignificant. Of awe and of fear. This is the physical image that my soul gives to love, so I can better understand and come to terms with it.
This is mine.
What is your soul's image of love?
-----
Excuse spelling/grammar/punctuation errors. I'm exasted and falling asleep as I write this. It'll get edited later..
|
|
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
|
| Subject: | For Fun |
| Time: | 2:28 pm. |
| Mood: |  cheerful. | | Music: | "Ride on shooting star" - The Pillows - FLCL OST. |
|
...apparentlly I'm fiendishly good at everything except cuddling xD
Levi's taking me out to dinner and a movie tonight. Mr. and Mrs. Smith is our choice flick for the evening, heard it's pretty good. And we are going to eat at Calver's. It opened up a few months ago, but we wanted to wait until it wasn't swamped every night to eat there. Hopefully, it won't be to busy.
Our 10 month anniversary is on the 14. I already know what I'm getting him ^^ I don't think he has a clue what he's getting me though, considering he kept bugging me last night about what I wanted. The problem is, he wants to spend vast ammounts of his money on me and I don't want him to. I suppose I shouldn't feel bad about him spending money on me, since during the 8-9 month period before he got his job I've pretty much paid for everything we've done (and ate), plus used what was left over to spoil him with gifts. I don't know.. I just don't like him spending to much on me.
Can't wait to go out tonight, though. We've been lucky to spend an hour and a half together at a time over the last two weeks. Tonight he gets off work at 4 and is meeting me at 5, and we have until midnight to hang out. So, 7 an hours. A little more then that if we go back to his house after the movie. Should be a fun evening.
Well, I'm going to go watch cartoons. It seems all I ever watch is Cartoon Network.. and then ocasionally hop over to Sci-Fi (I'm addicted to the Twilight Zone). I don't think I'm ever going to really grow up. lol.
.....
FLCL Rulez!!! So does S-Cry-Ed & Paranoia Agent. Samurai Champloo isn't half bad either. Though Bleach kicks it's ass. FLCL is still number one though..
|
|
Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Apparently my picture was in The Hawkeye (local paper) not that long ago. It wasn't for anything major, just GED graduation. I didn't go personally, but apparently my picture got in there anyway. I got my GED at the beginning of the school year, but they don't have graduation until the end up it.. and I really didn't see the point it going. But, that's not what I'm getting at.
The thing is, it was Levi who told me I was in the paper. Apparently his folks had seen it. Up until this point, apparently, his parents hadn't known I had dropped out of highschool. So, Levi's mom had asked him if I had when she saw the paper, and of course he told her yes. Apparently she gave him a rather disapproving look when this was confirmed. So, I think I went down a notch or two in popularity with Levi's mommy.
Now, see, I expected this to happen with some people. Getting a GED makes you look like a worthless bum because it means you dropped out of highschool. And that doesn't bother me, because I figured people who didn't know me would be the ones to not approve and think lesser of me. So, it does bother me that it seems Levi's mother may think lesser of me as she knows I'm going to college as well as working.. which should prove that I'm not currently a slacker and thus shouldn't be looked down upon.
She's actually the first person I've come across that actually seems to care about it at all. I told my mom about the whole thing and she replied with "Most people are that way." ..so.. why haven't I run into any? Most of them just except it, see that I'm currently doing something with my life, and forget about it. I guess, maybe, most people over 40 are that way? O_o *shrugs* I don't know. I can see the justifications for thinking that way initially, but not if you actually -know- me to one degree or another.
Anyway, aside from that, life is going well. However, Levi's new job is getting on my nerves a little, as because they only pay $5.25 and hour and it's rather sucky job when you work as a cook, they can't keep enough cooks! Therefore, Levi only gets one day off a week because they are so short handed.. so, hoping that his off day lands on one of my off days is a real bitch, to put it bluntly. So, yes.. I'm cranky because I'm going through withdrawel related to not seeing Levi enough.
I'm looking at appartments in Burlington. Granted, I need a couple more dollars an hour before I can afford one.. but I'm really getting sick of comuting 20 minutes to Burlington for work and play, and 40 minutes to Levi's house. Plus, with the way gas is, I can't go to Burlington as much as I'd like to because of the fact that it's such a long drive. When I was in school and working, it gave me an excuse. Now that I'm taking the summer off and working I don't have as many excuses to go. Plus, with Levi working too, it makes it so I get off work at a different time, have several hours to kill before he gets off, so I either have to come all the way home and go back, or stay in town with nothing to do but nap in my car and listen to music while I wait for him for 2 to 4 hours. So, as much as I hate it, when I come home I have to stay home.. Only one trip to Burlington a day for me.. and I hate it. If I lived there it would make things so much easier, and my car might actually last a little longer >.>
I talked to my mom about Remy last night for a long time.. I haven't talked to him in ten months.. *sigh* I'm not even going to go into anymore then that, or else I'll be depressed for work.
Hmm.. A not so positive entry. Really, I'm not so bad off! It was just all I had to post about xP
~Fin
|
|
Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
insomni's journal
weird.
exhausted.
blah.
lazy.